Back on the Bike: Muscle Memory

Chemo ended in July, and radiation ended in September.  Active treatment was complete, and I had no excuse to not get out there and start working out again.  It's been about a month since I slowly added exercise back into my routine.  One activity that I missed dearly was yoga.  I figured that going to a couple of gentle yoga classes would be a great way to ease back into things.  Unfortunately, I found these gentle classes not so gentle.  In fact, they were quite difficult.  Physical limitations aside, what I found the most challenging happened in my head -- letting go of the "old" body that could bend into various poses and had the strength to hold these poses with ease.  In one yoga class, stuck in a corner and washed with hot flash after hot flash, I found my self angry and agitated -- things that should never be the product of a yoga class.  But, I WAS angry, frustrated and self conscious.  I was angry that I couldn't get my shoulder to the ground in an easy twist.  I was frustrated that my ICD made it difficult to move my left arm and shoulder in ways that I always had.  And, I was terribly self conscious about my breast prosthetic moving around and revealing itself.  Despite my these challenges, I continued going to class twice a week with an awareness of these feelings and a new mantra that goes something like this: "You're exactly where you need to be right now."  I knew that I could get back to that place where my body felt strong and healthy because I had been there before.  Finally in Tuesday's class, I could really tell that I was getting somewhere. We were in a common pose that I had found very challenging since returning the mat, but there was a moment where I felt like I was back in that strong and flexible body.  I melted into the pose. It felt like my muscles suddenly remembered what to do.  While this feeling was fleeting,  it gave me exactly what I needed --  glimmer of hope that reminded me that I will have the strength to get back on my bike!